Confidence

2.5 weeks ago, I received an email from a woman that wanted to know how I came about my Shaman title. She began to explain what she knows of the origin of Shamans in Asia. She asked questions about whether or not Native Americans really had Shamans or were they given some other title. And finally, she wanted to know which do I associate with.

 

Time, hours, days, weeks, have passed and I have not answered her. I have contemplated many answers, but have sent her none. I have seen her in person on at least two occasions and have mentioned nothing. I am procrastinating.

 

Today, I saw her again and I was compelled to speak. “I apologize for not having responded to your email about me being a Shaman,” I started. My brain began to formulate excuses. My mouth said, “Thank you for asking, because your email has prompted deep contemplation within me. I am being forced to face and answer introspective questions that I had not been willing to face before. To be perfectly honest with you, I haven’t answered you because I do not have a piece of paper that certifies me as a Shaman.”

 

As it turns out, many people experience this moment all the time. It’s the dreaded, “What do you do?” question.

 

Some people have an elevator speech and others just speak on a respectable job title. Advice suggests you speak on your work with enthusiasm and/or you speak of your work by defining your clientele.

 

If the question had been as open as what do you do, I would have simply said, I’m a homeschool mom and writer. Instead, in my opinion, it asked, “are you qualified to be a Shaman?”

 

In Western society we think that a certificate is necessary for an individual to be a proper professional of anything. I’m not looking for that. My Shamanism is a spiritual calling that I cannot explain. My procrastination though, is a response to a lack of confidence in claiming the title. It is my response to not having that certification.

 

So, what does that say about me? I accept that all professions do not need certification, but I expect that others will expect that I have one. Am I deciding that I am better than everyone else? Am I suggesting that I, alone, am able to accept that some people are naturally called to a profession?

 

Truth is, Spirit told me before I started this journey that certification means something, in this case, to only me. And here I am facing this moment, procrastinating (= without confidence).

 

“I will send you an email with an answer tonight,“ I said.

 

What is today’s lesson? Confidence. Either become someone you can be confident in or become confident in who you are. The first option is about becoming someone you may not be; a false version of you. It should be easier to simply become confident with who you are, because that is your truth. Accept it.

 

The woman that emailed me smiled at my response. “Wow! How honest and grounded of you,” she responded. “I look forward to it.”

 

Fear of quitting, detox Day 6

photo-9On day 6, I decided to spend the day reviewing some Self-Help and personal growth DVDs.

I teach my clients to get the growth inspiration wherever they can get it.  I just want them to reach their goal.  So, I too have to make space for this.

In one video, “Heal Yourself: Mind/Medicine”, with Whole Health Medicine Institute Founder, Dr. Lisa Rankin, I heard my words come back at me.  “Ask your body what it needs to heal,” she said.

Simple, right?  I know this works, but I haven’t asked lately.  I’m in the throws of a detox & haven’t asked.  So, I go for it.  Immediately I hear…”Work.”  This is followed by a short mental video of my husband driving home his desire for me to stop homeschooling the girls & start working.  Spirit then says to me, “While your husband’s issues are his own, these moments bothered you (meaning me) because you want to work.  Work represents a sense of worth to you.”

Wow!  I was shocked at this realization.  I had been blocking my own healing, by refusing to work.  Sure I take a few clients here and there, but I collect smaller fees.  I write for free and I offer free workshops & meditation sessions.  Since I decided to homeschool my girls, I have started doing a lot of pro bono and bartering.  I also stopped growing my business.  Some of it has been because our homeschooling community is filled with a lot of single income households that need to hold on to funds.  My target audience is women and girls.  Moreover, when the families are struggling financially, mom’s decide that their needs will be the first to be ditched.  I work from my heart and am able to spot a woman in trouble a mile away.  So, I offer my services without pushing my value.

Work, paid work, is important to me.  It is me giving and allowing my worth to return to me.  Pro bono work is okay, but I have created legitimate pro bono contracts and am fulfilling the work for them.  So why have I been giving away my worth for free?

To think, I had been pushing back, against my husband’s wishes for whatever reasons, and ignoring the message.  Earning income is important to me.  It represents a sort of freedom and liberation.

“There must always be give and take,” I heard.  “Money flowing in and out fluidly is healthy.  By not accepting this, you are stopping the flow of your energy; thus, backing up the system.”  Just knowing this made me feel a ton better.  I was instantly able to forgive my husband.  Poof, resentment gone.

Then, my passion, my purpose, and the training I have undergone for the past year began to make so much more sense.  The time I had given to so many, pro bono, now represented a sort of internship.  My words on financial help were no longer hollow.

Today, day 7, I was able to forgive myself.  I understood that my rebellion was also a way of keeping a certain order in my home.  It was me upholding an image of what a family looks like.  I’m not sure when or from where I adapted the image, but I had been holding on to it tightly.

I always say, that whole health includes financial health.  My choice to not earn income is connected to my financial health and I was making myself ill in this category.

13 years ago, I vowed to never return to Corporate America.  It was my plan to write and coach about spiritual and personal growth.  Then, I gave birth to my first child, married my husband, and birthed two more children.  Along the way, I decided not to earn an income.  It was a decision to give away my independence so that I would never walk away from my marriage (as an independent woman, I walked away from anything that was too much effort and too little fun).

Today, I tore that contract up and threw away.