Since I made the decision to start this blog, so much has happened. In fact, so much has been going on that I decided my journal was not enough to help me sort it all out. Since June 2013, I have been making weekly visits to a Counselor.
Whether it is because of my middle age, or because I have been giving so much of myself to my family, or because I have been hiding my spirituality from my husband for the past 10 years, I am finally feeling spun. I have come to realize that I have not been living fully. Certainly, I have been enjoying life, but a great deal of my time has been caught up in trying to sort through negative emotions that I was not fully willing to define.
To give you an appropriate window view, I am a 44-year-old, stay-at-home-mom. I Un-school my three girls and ponder life. My husband and I differ in so many ways. He is the kind of person that operates better without rest; he has to be moving constantly or, he falls asleep. I operate better with regular meditation, whether walking or relaxing, and being alone time is of the utmost value to me. My husband would love a high-profile lifestyle. I would love one of simplicity. I want to work in my passion and purpose. My husband wants to work where he can build wealth. While we have many differences, in common, we both love the security of wealth, we both love family, and we both love travel.
All at once, everything was up in the air. I had been getting extremely anxious; needing to explore and define my spirituality and move away from the earthly concepts of a fulfilling lifestyle. I was beginning to feel that my concepts of homeschooling, the girls, were falling by the way side. Moreover, I was feeling a bit helpless in that without my own earned income, my husband was challenging me in every thing I wanted to accomplish or do. Meanwhile, our home that we were supposed to be purchasing was meeting some challenges (thank God), I discovered that my husband was giving a lot of attention to a younger version of myself, he was quickly losing interest in his job, and he was in a space of limbo with educational growth. His world seemed to be bulging out of its perfect little container. I begin to feel a strong pull toward my spirituality, which also felt like a pull away from my husband’s ideal, safe, concepts of living. I like taking chances, being the first I know to try something, stepping out on faith, following my intuition, and breaking out of the shell of the norm to experience something that will stretch me. So naturally, after 11 years of living the safe life; hiding my spiritual inclinations and beliefs from my husband, my spirit felt in danger of dying or flying.
I finally realized that if the whole relationship went south, the one thing that would piss me off was that I had not lived an authentic life and that there was no real plan set before me. God has given me 12 years without a structured job, to decide what I wanted to do, make steps/strides toward it, and to wallow in its glory or choose another path. In those 12 years, I spent time nurturing my children, blaming my husband, hiding my spirituality, putting on weight, continuing my education, dabbling in spiritual concepts, starting things that I could not complete for fear of exposing who I am, and being angry about the results.
I finally admitted these things to my husband and explained that I have to make my way back to me in order to survive. His response, “I give in, you’ve won. I don’t have to understand it, but I will let you do what you must do.”
So, who am I? In terms of Whole Health, mentally, I am a writer; my life’s path has always been leading up to this. I enjoy the research, the learning, and the conversation that goes with the world of writing. Emotionally, I love travel by train, plane, or car. A city girl who enjoys a country weekend. I love home design, inside and out and am always excited about quaint beach and college towns. I am an Un-schooling mom that is very organized, but does not like to clean. Physically, I am a bit overweight and have come to realize that a simple diet of raw fruits and veggies with a few ounces of meat work very well for me. I enjoy running (it likes me too), walking, and yoga; but when I stop being consistent it takes a minute to get me back into it. I clean up well (meaning, I detox well, after a few false starts), and have a ton of knowledge on the subject and am an advocate of Natural/Alternative Healthcare. Spiritually, I am non-denominational and a believer in many pagan concepts (before you knock it, do you even know what that means?). I am curious about all religions, but married to none. I believe and trust in God and I have Spiritual Guides that also support my journey. Financially, I am broke. My husband earns a wonderful salary that supports our 5 person household. That said, because I was so independent in my heyday, I have not accepted the idea that his money is my money. Furthermore, neither has he.
So, this is the space from which this blog will be created. I find that because what I have to say is so raw, I ponder “To blog or not to blog” (the appropriateness of the subject) frequently. But over the past few years, I have met so many women in the same space I am in. Having worked as a Certified Silva Method Instructor, Life Coach, Meditation Teacher, and Spiritual Healer (all of which I have done very well), I have decided that accepting the responsibility of this blog is worthy. I hope you find it entertaining and inspiring. I hope you become a loyal follower and that you bring many others with you. I hope together, we become a community of doers, living very fulfilling lives, and inspiring each other to live in Whole Health Wellness.